


Setting Sun

by camelots_scribe



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2017-12-13 14:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camelots_scribe/pseuds/camelots_scribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward Cullen is no longer satisfied in his marriage to Bella. He finds Jacob far more interesting. Unfortunately, Bella isn't too happy about this, and Edward's actions will lead to disastrous consequences for all...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a complete crack fic, which I'm using to air my frustrations at 'Twilight' (most of which involve the setting back of feminism and the flimsy charactarisations). This fic is by no means intended to cause offense to 'Twilight' fans - it is just an outlet for myself and any others who have issues with it. Oh, and this is going to turn into a complete bloodbath...

Edward and Bella Cullen had been married for a year now. They had a daughter named Renesmee, who grew at a freakish rate, and they spent all their time either sucking the blood of animals (which was not by any means the ‘vegetarian’ practise that they claimed it to be) or making extremely athletic love throughout the night.

Bella was now a vampire, like her dearly beloved husband, so she was planning to spend all eternity with him. Unfortunately, having sparkly skin whenever it was sunny (which it hardly _ever_ was in Forks, the town Bella had selflessly moved to a few years previously, without a single melodramatic complaint about the weather), and being unable to age meant that Bella’s career prospects were considerably limited. So she was content to merely play the role of Edward’s wife and Renesmee’s mother.

Bella was very happy in her marriage to Edward. She was irrevocably in love with him. And why _shouldn’t_ she worship the ground he walked on? He was so beautiful that he took her breath away, even though she – as a vampire – no longer needed to breathe. He was the most beautiful thing since…well, beauty itself. He _was_ beauty. No _wonder_ he was her whole life.

Edward, however, was not so content. He had loved Bella, but now the thought of spending forever in the company of this ombrophobic, sexually demanding woman deadened his heart - which was saying something, since it was no longer beating.

No, Edward was much more interested in the moody, mysterious werewolf Jacob Black. Too bad he’d imprinted on Edward and Bella’s child the day she was born (which wasn’t at _all_ creepy).

Little did Edward know, Jacob was much less interested in Renesmee than he made out to be. He found her father a _much_ more intriguing prospect. But Edward was happily married to Bella, right…?

****

It was night-time. Renesmee was asleep, and – as usual – Bella wanted to get amorous with Edward. Usually, he just went with it, but tonight he wasn’t in the mood to be used as a sex machine. When she climbed on top of him and unzipped his trousers, he choked: “I’m going to have to stop you there, Bella.”

She frowned, looking hurt. “Why?”

“I’m just not in the mood.”

Bella actually laughed at that. “Of _course_ you’re in the mood – we’ve been going at it like rabbits ever since we got married!”

“Well, I’m going to have to disappoint you tonight.”

“Am I not beautiful enough for you?” Bella demanded. “Because becoming a vampire made me nearly as flawless as you. And you’re beauty personified. You’re ridiculously beautiful, actually.”

“What’s ridiculous is how you describe me – I’m not as breath-taking or stunning as you make out. I’m just a guy. Who doesn’t breathe. And who was a virgin for about a century.  There’s nothing all that special about me.”

Bella narrowed her eyes at him. _“Is there someone else?”_

“What? _No!_ Of _course_ there isn’t! Whatever gave you _that_ idea?” Edward protested.

“There _is!”_ she exclaimed. “I carried your child for _weeks!_ She was _killing_ me! _And_ I became _immortal,_ so that I could spend all eternity with you! Who is she? Tell me, Edward, or so help me, I’ll kill you!”

“There _is_ no other woman.” Edward told her, perfectly honestly.

“Oh, God – it’s a _man,_ isn’t it?”

“Bella, I am _not_ having an affair!” he said, again telling the truth.

“Get out!” she screamed. “I don’t want to see your insanely beautiful face right now! Get out of here!”

With a deep sigh, Edward left the cottage he shared with Bella. Once again, she had completely overreacted and made a huge drama out of the situation.

****

Edward made his way to his family’s nearby house. On the way, he came across Jacob Black, in his werewolf form, hunting. When he saw Edward, Jacob phased back into his human form. Edward didn’t bother to look away whilst Jacob pulled on a pair of shorts. After all, Jacob wasn’t exactly shy about his ripped body, and Edward needed cheering up after his altercation with Bella.

“So, you and Bella had a fight.” Jacob said smugly.

“You were listening outside.” Edward realised, reading Jacob’s mind.

 “You weren’t exactly keeping your voices down,” Jacob smirked. “So, who _is_ the lucky man?”

“Shut up, Jacob.” Edward muttered. If he could have blushed, he would have.

“Is it _me?”_ Jacob joked.

Edward just stared at the floor.

“Hang on…it _is,_ isn’t it?” Jacob gasped.

“Er…yes,” Edward confimed awkwardly. “Which is stupid, since you’ve imprinted on my infant daughter.”

“Actually…I didn’t.” Jacob revealed.

“You _didn’t?”_

“That’s what I _said,_ isn’t it?” Jacob retorted irritably. “Actually, I, er…I imprinted on you. I pretended to be in love with Bella so I could be around you, and that’s why I faked imprinting on Renesmee, too. It’s been hard work hiding all of _that_ away from you.”

Edward searched through Jacob’s mind, and saw that he was telling the truth. “So...you feel the same way about me?”

Jacob nodded. “Yeah.”

And that’s when Edward kissed him.

However, Bella had followed Edward, and now that she saw him kissing Jacob, she was consumed with rage. She was going to kill Edward. And Jacob. And just about anyone who got in her way…

****

Bella decided to act on her murderous intentions the next morning, so that she could brutally murder Edward and Jacob in broad daylight, in front of all of the Cullens. When the time came, she journeyed to the Cullen house, going straight up to Edward’s room.

There she found Jacob sleeping in Edward’s arms. When Edward saw the furious expression on Bella’s face, he shook Jacob to wake him up, murmuring: “We’ve got a problem, my love. A problem in the form of my wife, wearing a homicidal expression.”

Jacob jolted up. “Oh, fuck…Bella. Er…hi, Bella. How are you?”

“Oh, just _great!_ My husband’s fucking my best friend and to top it all off, it’s _raining_ outside.”

 _“Again_ with the fucking rain,” Edward muttered, under his breath. “That’s all I ever hear about. No _wonder_ I fell out of love with her.”

“I heard that!” Bella exclaimed.

Sensing a commotion, the Cullens – Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie – all poured into Edward’s bedroom.  “What’s going on here, then?” Carlisle demanded. “Why is Jacob naked in your bedroom, Edward?”

“Because they’re having an _affair,_ Carlisle,” Bella hissed. “Your hideously beautiful son is having sex with the werewolf he once claimed to hate.”

“Well, hatred _is_ a very passionate emotion, and can lead to sexual attraction.” Alice told her brightly.

“I don’t want to hear your ‘girl talk’, Alice! I swear that’s your main function, apart from often inaccurate visions of the future!” Bella yelled.

Alice’s comment led to her becoming Bella’s first victim. Before anybody could stop her, Bella tore her head off; revealed the lighter and can of petrol she was hiding behind her back and quickly set Alice on fire. This totally ridiculous ritual was the only way to kill a vampire.

Everyone ran out of the room, Jasper trying to kill Bella on the way, but she was too fast for him. She decapitated him and threw him into the flames with Alice. “That’s vengeance for trying to kill me after I got a fucking paper-cut.” she grinned. “The men around here should all show a little more self-control, instead of throwing themselves at women.”

Bella squared up against the rest of the Cullens. Jacob had phased into a werewolf now, and was attempting to tear her apart, but she was more than capable of defending herself. She lashed out at him, leaving him squealing as she cut his arm.

Carlisle and Esme jumped on Bella’s back, and came close to ripping her head from her shoulders, but she threw them off. They were helpless on the floor. Bella hesitated. Carlisle and Esme were the only decent people around here – so caring and selfless. But they were defending those traitors, Edward and Jacob. She had no choice. She dispatched of them mercilessly, relishing the rush she got from taking two more lives.

She turned towards Edward and Jacob, but they were gone. They had made their escape whilst Bella was deliberating over whether or not to kill Carlisle and Esme. Rosalie and Emmett had also escaped. She was alone in the burning house.

Bella was tempted to fling herself in the fire and behead herself, but she was determined to wreak her revenge. She ran out of the house and found Renesmee crying outside. “Momma, where are Daddy and Jacob?” the little girl asked.

“I don’t know, Nessie,” Bella replied. “But I _will_ find them, and – when I do – I will have my revenge, no matter how long it takes.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Chapter 2 may contain traces of death and despair.

Meanwhile, Rosalie, Emmett, Jacob and Edward were already far away from Forks. They had escaped to an airport, where – since the Cullens were ridiculously rich, despite the fact that only Carlisle had worked – they had easily purchased airplane tickets to Wales. They had decided on this destination as it was a safe distance from Forks – and, thus, assumedly from Bella – and because they knew that the weather conditions would be sufficient for the vampires’ non-sparkly needs.

Very conveniently, they found a cottage to rent in a small village, settling in mere hours after their plane touched down. However, the following morning, it became clear that these living arrangements were _far_ from ideal.

“I’m sorry, Edward, but you and Jacob are just _too damn loud_ when you’re…well, you know what I mean.” Emmett told him, whilst they made a dent in the local sheep population.

“I wasn’t aware that we were making so much noise.” Edward replied defensively.

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t mind, with Rosalie and I not sleeping and all...”

“But?” Edward demanded.

“Well…er…okay, I’m just going to say it outright: Jacob howls like a wolf when you’re fucking.  Frankly, it’s disturbing.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“So Rosalie and I have decided to go to Andorra,” Emmett revealed. “We’ll be safer apart, anyway, and Bella wouldn’t _ever_ think to look in such a small country. She’s probably never even _heard_ of it. After all, she seemed to spend most of her time at school being a health and safety risk in PE, talking about onions or writing essays about the literary heroines that she couldn’t even hope to be a terrible echo of.”

“Okay then.”

“Well, I’m gonna leave, before this turns into a drawn-out scene, filled with pointless information about my entire life history and crappy dialogue which in no way adds to character or relationship development.”

“Well…goodbye, Emmett,” Edward said, clasping his adopted brother’s seriously enormous shoulder. “Say goodbye to Rosalie for me. I’ll miss that beautiful, shallow bitch.”

“Bye, Edward,” Emmett replied, with a watery grin. “Make sure you and Jacob stay safe.”

“There’s no _way_ Bella will find us here. No way at all. Ever. Never ever ever.”

“Er…I meant use a condom when you get ‘intimate',” Emmett confessed awkwardly. “But, yeah, you’re right: there’s absolutely _no chance whatsoever_ of Bella finding and brutally killing any of us. We’re totally safe. Forever.”

Little did they know, their confident assertions were far from true. For back in Forks, Bella was already plotting her sweet revenge… 

****

Bella’s first stop after leaving the burning wreckage of the Cullen house was La Push. There she hunted down each and every werewolf, using her extreme vampire strength to rip them all apart. She particularly relished killing Leah Clearwater, that moody bitch who had made everyone’s lives hell because Sam Uley – whose blood was now painted on Bella – had broken up with her, due to him imprinting on her cousin, Emily.

Bella was going to let Emily live, since she’d been one of the few people whom she’d actually _liked,_ but unfortunately Emily was not too pleased with Bella for killing Sam. She grabbed a knife and tried to stab her, but Bella just laughed and turned the knife on her. Then she drank Emily’s blood, because she was thirsty, and she _was_ a vampire, after all. Damn the Cullens and their so-called ‘Vegetarian’ diet – she didn’t give a shit about that now.

Renesmee had been locked in her mother’s car – a fancy, modern thing Edward had bought her, since he hadn’t liked Bella’s truck, and was so controlling that he deliberately broke it so that she’d need a new vehicle – so she hadn’t witnessed her mother’s killing spree. “Momma, why are you covered in blood?” the rapidly growing, freakish child asked, whilst Bella got behind the wheel of the car

“Er…I’m on my period.” Bella lied pathetically.

“You’re a vampire – you don’t _have_ periods.” Renesmee pointed out.

“Okay, _fine_ – I just wanted to hunt without you slowing me down!” Bella exclaimed.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, tough shit,” Bella muttered under her breath. “Shut up now – we’re going to pay your grandfather a visit.”

It was to be a visit that Charlie would have done well to miss…

****

Charlie Swan was at his house, watching the baseball on the television with his best friend Billy Black – Jacob’s father – and Sue Clearwater, the woman he had recently entered into a sudden and not at all contrived romance with. For the Chief of Police, he spent a large amount of his time slumped in front of the baseball. He had previously relied on Bella to feed him, having made no effort whatsoever to learn how to cook. After she’d got married and become one of the sparkly undead, Sue had replaced her as Charlie’s ‘caretaker’.  Their gathering was soon interrupted by the sound of the front door being kicked down.

Bella came storming in, her eyes bright red from drinking Emily’s blood. The fact that her eyes changed colour whenever she’d hunted was pretty inconvenient, especially as their current hue gave Charlie, Billy and Sue cause to look extremely alarmed.

“Hello, Daddy dearest,” Bella smirked. “Hello, Sue. Hello… _Billy.”_

“Bella, darling – is something up?” Charlie asked hesitantly.

“Why don’t you ask your good friend _Billy_ here?” Bella retorted, glaring at Jacob’s father.

“I have no idea what she’s on about.” Billy protested.

“Did you _know,_ Billy? Did you know about your son’s _feelings_ for my husband?” Bella demanded, thrusting her face into the old man’s.

Billy looked disgusted. “My son? With that sparkling _leech?”_

“Yes, Billy – your son _stole_ my husband. And now… _you’re all going to pay for it.”_ Bella erupted into maniacal laughter.

“Hold on just a Jiminy Cricket, young lady,” Charlie said, standing up to face his daughter on more equal terms (the fool should have known better – Bella _was_ bestowed with freakish strength, after all). “Just how is Jake bouncing a bed with Edward  _our_ fault?”

“One – Jacob’s very existence is the fifty per cent the responsibility of Billy and his spunk. Two – you, Dad, are a misogynist shit-head, who actually _congratulated_ Jacob when he kissed me against my will, thus encouraging _rape culture._ I may have turned into a homicidal maniac, but even _I_ know that there is _absolutely no excuse_ for rape or any sexual acts which haven’t got the backing of consent _on both sides._ And three – I just don’t _like_ you, Sue. Your daughter Leah was an annoying bitch, and I’ve killed her, your son and all the other werewolves, so you really don’t have anything left to live for. Sorry not sorry.” Bella listed, her eyes gleaming with crazed glee.

Charlie, Billy and Sue looked terrified. They all tried to run for the door, but there was no escaping Bella. She tore them all apart, feasting on their blood.

Then Bella stole out of the house, returning to Renesmee, who was sobbing in the car. “Hush now, Nessie,” Bella said, sinisterly soothingly. “I’m all the family you’ve got left now, so you’d better not do anything to cause me any… _displeasure.”_

“You’re a _liar!”_ Renesmee shouted. “Daddy, Jacob, Emmett and Rosalie are still out there somewhere!”

Bella smiled dangerously. “Yes, they _are,_ little Nessie – but not for much longer…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I do not own the rights to any of the books or the films of the Twilight Saga. It's not my fault.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I remembered that I last updated this crack fic over two years ago and finally finished it. This is a complete farce and is in no way meant to be taken seriously.

Meanwhile, Emmett and Rosalie were hiding out in an underground bunker in the Andorran mountains. Being largely two-dimensional characters with very little plot significance, they hadn’t been doing anything of great interest. They depleted the local wildlife population; had a lot of sex and went for supernaturally fast runs in the mountains. They neglected to leave their base and keep moving because they were living under the delusion that they were safe, the fools.

Of course, with Bella out for their blood (or, more accurately, their heads), they were actually in grave danger. As it so often seemed to happen over the course of the saga, an alternatively named search engine that was suspiciously like Google came in unbelievably useful for research. Bella somehow managed to hack into the website of the airline Rosalie and Emmett had used to fly to Barcelona. Upon arrival at Barcelona Airport, Bella immediately started hunting them down, stealing a yellow Porsche 911 for old time’s sake. Renesmee sat nervously in the passenger seat, sensing that nothing good could come from her mother’s grim determination to find the couple.

Soon, Bella was running through the mountains with Renesmee slung on her back, remembering when she was weak and human and on Edward’s back as he ran. Her rage fuelled her until she conveniently came across the clearing the bunker was in. She commanded Renesmee to wait in the clearing, and then slid through the narrow opening of the bunker. Inside, she found Emmett and Rosalie fucking. Bella quite literally tore them apart. She may have been outnumbered two to one, but the fire pumping through her veins added to her already supernatural strength. She burned the mangled remains, before returning to Renesmee. There were only two people left on her hit list, and she would get them – even if it was the last thing she ever did.

****

**SEPTEMBER**

****

**OCTOBER**

****

**NOVEMBER**

****

Wales. It was so obvious, now that Bella thought about it. The conditions were perfect: frequent rainfall and overcast skies and very little of the sun the sparkly-skinned vampires found so troublesome. It has taken her three months to track Edward and Jacob down in a tiny village on the Welsh coast – so long that it was almost as if something was holding her back. Perhaps it was her heart, or at least her conscience, or – the more probable option – it may well have been the use of a handily quick method to show the passage of time.

In any case, Bella had finally managed to locate those traitors, and was now hurtling down the M4 at breakneck speed, miraculously managing not to get pulled over by the police or involved in an accident. Even Renesmee, the weird human-vampire hybrid born of a problematic plotline which discouraged terminating life-threatening pregnancies, was gingerly holding a sick bag as a result of her mother’s erratic driving.

Bella found Edward and Jacob’s cottage and left Renesmee locked in the car. She broke in through the back door, then jumped as she saw Edward standing right in front of her. He didn’t look the slighted bit surprised to see her. 

“And so the lamb hunted the lion.” Edward declared melodramatically.

Bella sighed. “Are you still going with that creepy analogy? I should have run for the hills the first time I heard you use it. And – just putting it out there – being called your ‘own personal brand of heroin’ was not exactly romantic either.”

Edward looked hurt. “You never complained about that before. I thought _liked_ me talking to you like that.”

“Yeah, well, that was before _YOU FUCKED MY BEST FRIEND!”_ Bella roared.

Hearing this commotion (it was hard to fail to), Jacob ran onto the scene. He was dressed only in tracksuit bottoms. “Do you _ever_ wear a shirt?” Bella asked incredulously.

“Shirtlessness makes up at least eighty-three per cent of my characterisation,” Jacob admitted. “What the hell are you doing here, Bella?”

Bella looked at her nails and replied casually “Oh, you know, just here to make sure you both suffer a painful and melodramatic death at my hands.”

“Why are you doing this?” Edward sighed. “Why can’t you just leave us be?”

“You mean like you did to me when you decided that I’d be safer without you and left without warning?” Bella retorted.

“Well...yes.” he said.

“Did that not teach you _anything?”_ she exclaimed. “I will always hunt you down, because I’m not capable of ‘leaving you be’, Edward. I build my whole world around you, and I can’t stand the thought of someone else being with you. If you won’t spend your life with me, then I won’t let you _have_ a life.”

“Can’t you find a little self-respect and build a life without relying on someone else to be your world? You spent seventeen years of your life without me, and you had enough self-determination to come to live in Forks so that your mother could have a life with her new husband. If you could do that for her, why can’t you do that for Jacob and I?” Edward reasoned with her.

“You make a lot of valid points,” she admitted, and Edward and Jacob breathed a sigh of relief. “But I’m _fucking angry,_ so I don’t really give a damn! Also, I killed your families and mine – apart from my mother and her husband, because honestly they have no real plot significance and I don’t really have a problem with them. _Soooo…_ I may as well kill you guys, too.”

“You killed my family?” Jacob cried. “You bitch!”

“You know it.”

“What makes you think we’re going to go down without a fight?” Edward challenged her.

“Well, my shock arrival didn’t exactly leave you guys any time to prepare to defend yourself.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I knew you were coming because I could hear Renesmee’s thoughts and she’s been feeding me information about your plan the whole time you’ve been here. You really shouldn’t have wasted time on your villain monologue, because she’s broken out of the car and is waiting around the corner with the can of petrol I bought the day we moved here.”

“Damn!” Bella and Jacob both shouted at once.

Bella frowned. “What are _you_ yelling damn about, Jacob?”

“I didn’t know that was petrol. I’ve been using it to oil my abs.”

“Jacob, why would you tell someone who wants to kill you that? Now your beautifully sculpted body is going to be your downfall!” Edward sobbed, throwing himself protectively across Jacob.

Bella got a lighter out of her pocket; lit a cigarette; took a drag and went to throw it at Edward and Jacob…but found herself being flung to the ground by an unseen force.

When Bella got over the fall, she saw that Renesmee was pinning her to the ground. “Renesmee, what the fuck?”

“You called me _Renesmee. RENESMEE.”_ she snarled. Edward and Jacob ran out of range whilst Renesmee tore her mother’s head off, then doused her in petrol and set her aflame.

****

And so it came to pass that Renesmee moved in with Edward and Jacob, and they started a new life together in Wales.

Renesmee was the sole bridesmaid at Edward and Jacob’s wedding, a rather understated and under-attended event at the local registry office, since all of their family members were dead at Bella’s hand.

She was more excited about another event – changing her name by deed poll to a delightfully generic name: Louise.

They lived together happily. ‘Happily ever after’ would be a stretch too far, because they all knew that there could easily be a new fight waiting around the corner for them when they least expected it. They were content as long as they were together and safe, and they were finally free from melodrama. Life was just that little bit less explosive without Bella around.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I do not own the rights to any of the books or the films of the Twilight Saga. It's not my fault.

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that I do not own the rights to any of the books or the films of the Twilight Saga. It's not my fault.


End file.
